Momma; as in Mocha Momma. Not my mama, about whom I cannot say anything nice tonight, so I shall not say anything at all…just like she taught me. Well. I suppose that was kind of nice.

I suppose this questionnaire is some kind of blogger meme. I’m a blogosphere-neophyte once again, as well as a questionnaire addict, so what could possibly go wrong:

TAG. I’m it.

The Rules: You highlight the things you can do and you leave in normal type the things you can’t. And it’s a freakin’ free-for-all on snarky comments. Assign 2 other poor bastards to the task and the electronic equivalent of chain letters is complete. The only thing to do is to sit back and wait for my millions to be mailed to me.

1. Give advice that matters in one sentence. Better yet, I can give advice that matters in one word: No. Yes. More. Harder. Softer.
2. Tell if someone is lying. I was a teacher. Better yet, I taught Psychology. Better yet, I taught a lesson in Pyschology on how one can tell if a person is lying. One of the best, most useful lessons from my perspective–full of uncomfortable laughter and student activities, in which I watch them try to lie successfully to each other…while I learned all of their fibbage tells.
3. Take a photo. I’ve taken a few.
4. Score a baseball game. “You betcha!” -Pete Rose.
5. Name a book that matters. “Ulysses,” by James Joyce. Haven’t yet read it. I would have answered “War and Peace” by Leo Tolstoy because I have read it, dammit; but I couldn’t reiterate why it mattered in the grand scheme of things. Jesus, I hate that book. If I hadn’t been in a class (Russian Literature and Opera–oy!), I would never have accomplished the feat.
6. Know at least one musical group as well as is possible. I can’t believe I’m admitting to this: The Monkees. For serious.
7. Cook meat somewhere other than the grill. Err…baduh. The stove? The oven? Fondue pot?
8. Not monopolize the conversation. I can tell when my input isn’t wanted or needed.
9. Write a letter. Especially to politicians and editors of newspapers.
10. Buy a suit. Former Ann Taylor associate. I can shop.
11. Swim three different strokes. Varsity swimmer: Freestyle, butterfly, breaststroke, backstroke and sidestroke.
12. Show respect without being a suck-up. I can be humble without flattery.
13. Throw a punch. (Nope…one of my better friends throughout the years gave me the Indian name Jumps With Fists due to my…err…unique pugalistic style.)
14. Chop down a tree. (Tendonitis, lack of need and sheer laziness prevent me from doing so.)
15. Calculate square footage. I can find for total area, circumference, and hypotenuse, as well.
16. Tie a bow tie. (Hhhh…no. I fail as a devoted female companion in this regard, I suppose.)
17. Make one drink, in large batches, very well. I have made pitchers of Sapphire martinis and blended frozen drinks very well back in the day.
18. Speak a foreign language. (Sadly, not so much. I spoke French very poorly throughout high school and college.)
19. Approach a woman/man out of his/her league. (I would like to say yes, but truthfully, I have an eensy self-esteem issue.)
20. Sew a button. Of course.
21. Argue with a European without getting xenophobic or insulting soccer. I don’t argue with too many people, Europeans even less often; and I couldn’t care less about soccer, except for the fine specimens of athletes they have running after that silly ball.
22. Give a woman/man pleasure an orgasm so that s/he doesn’t have to ask after it/ doesn’t have any energy left. I play with men, so I’ll answer for that contingency. Part of me believes that if he doesn’t have any energy left, what fun is that for later in the evening/morning/church service? But the answer is YES.
23. Be loyal. Absofuckinglutely. Even when I’m unfaithful, I’m loyal.
24. Know his poison, without standing there, pondering like a dope. Uh…does this refer to ordering a drink? Because I can answer this question without too much thought.
25. Drive an eightpenny nail into a treated two-by-four without thinking about it. (Absolutely not. I’m 5′2″, 104 lbs., and I don’t hafta.)
26. Cast a fishing rod without shrieking or sighing or otherwise admitting defeat. (Not in a long, long time. I’m sure I could with some practice, though.)
27. Play gin with an old guy. (Nah; but I might play the guy with some old gin.)
28. Play go fish with a kid. Fo’sho. I probably wouldn’t even let the kid win, either. Losing builds character.
29. Understand quantum physics well enough that he can accept that a quarter might, at some point, pass straight through the table when dropped. Also, well enough to know that the table and quarter are not actually touching.
30. Feign interest. I worked at Walt Disney World. I can feign ANYTHING!
31. Make a bed. Military school graduate.
32. Describe a glass of wine in one sentence without using the terms nutty, fruity, oaky, finish, or kick. I’m a walking thesaurus. Rawr! Of course I can.
33. Hit a jump shot in pool. (Not to save my life.)
34. Dress a wound. Sure could.
35. Jump-start a car. Change a flat tire. Change the oil. (I’ve done the first a few times, but never the last two.)
36. Make three different bets at a craps table. (Gambling is an indulgence I do not understand. I just burned a pile of money! Now what should I do with this pile??)
37. Shuffle a deck of cards. Hell to the yes. Thanks, Dad!
38. Tell a joke. More like be the joke…but yes, if I can remember it.
39. Know when to split his cards in blackjack. (Uh. No.)
40. Speak to an eight-year-old so he will hear. Do you mean listen? Yes! Eight year olds need big, wicked smiles (like Kelly said) and a sense that you’re in cahoots.
41. Speak to a waiter so he will hear. Smile, speak clearly, don’t be a dick.
42. Talk to a dog so it will hear. Repeat #41, with a more firm tone if necessary.
43. Install: a disposal, an electronic thermostat, or a lighting fixture without asking for help. (*Wipes the tears of laughter out of her eyes* Err…no.)
44. Ask for help. I am such a good asker for help, I could probably write a book on how and when one should ask for help. I love to ask for help.
45. Break another man’s grip on his wrist. I have redonkulously teeny wrists, so I can wriggle out of anyone’s clutch.
46. Tell a woman’s dress size. Anyone except my own up to about a size 10 or 12. After that, it gets more difficult.
47. Recite one poem from memory. “The Naming of Cats,” by TS Eliot (from The Old Possum’s Book of Practical Cats, upon which the musical “Cats” was based). I won a Declamation Contest when I was in eighth grade reciting that poem–beat all the grades above me in the district! I suppose I was cute and extremely dorky.
48. Remove a stain. Tilex on whites is a miracle. Yes, that would read “Tilex.”
49. Say no. I can say no…but it takes a lot for me to get to no.
50. Fry an egg sunny-side up. (Nope.)
51. Build a campfire. Girl Scout for twelve years.
52. Step into a job no one wants to do. I have before, and I’m sure I will again.
53. Sometimes, kick some ass. I’m a lover, not a fighter. Usually.
54. Break up a fight. I’ve done it; but I need help with this one.
55. Point to the north at any time. You would think that Girl Scouting would have helped me with this one…sadly, until I started driving, orienteering was not one of my strong suits.
56. Create a play-list in which ten seemingly random songs provide a secret message to one person. I grew up in the Era of The Mixed Tape.
57. Explain what a light-year is. I was a counselor at Space Camp and a research historian for NASA.
58. Avoid boredom. I live near the beach!
59. Write a thank-you note. I can…I just do not write nearly as many as I should.
60. Be brand loyal to at least one product. Biolage shampoo and conditioner.
61. Cook bacon. I live with a man. I better.
62. Hold a baby. (I usually feel gangly and awkward. I hope that rights itself if/when I have one of my own.)
63. Deliver a eulogy. I spoke at my paternal grandmother’s funeral to a packed audience. I had thought it would have been more intimate; instead, it was a speaking engagement.
64. Know that Christopher Columbus was a son of a bitch. I was an American History teacher. Did you know he thought the world was boobie-shaped, not round? Shaped like a breast…and some river in South America was the nipple overflowing with milk. Bizarre.
65. Throw a baseball over-hand with some snap. Throw, yes. Pitch, no.
66. Throw a football with a tight spiral. (Psh. Do you know how BIG a football is to my freakishly small hands??)
67. Shoot a 12-foot jump shot reliably. (Er. No.)
68. Find his her way out of the woods if lost. I’m going to stay positive on this one, and state reliably that it’s better to stay where you are when lost, and wait for someone to find you.
69. Tie a knot. A few. A square-knot is the first one that jumps to mind.
70. Shake hands. I pretty much have a standard pressure, but I’ll press more or less firmly, depending on the squeeze I receive.
71. Iron a shirt. I do; though, amusingly, I go in exactly the opposite order as Momma.
72. Stock an emergency bag for the car. I have eight gallons of water, about ten road flares, a spare tire, a first aid kit, a couple of towels and a sheet in the back of my car. I have no idea what for, but I’m prepared.
73. Caress a woman’s/man’s neck. But of course.
74. Know some birds. I live in Florida. We get all kinds of birds here.
75. Negotiate a better price. (I learned a very difficult lesson on the morality of negotiating when I was sixteen, at a Girl Scout World Conference (fer ‘ril) in Mexico. I asked a ridiculously low price on a beautifully carved wooden whale. The vendor said no. I walked away. About twenty minutes later, the fellow who had carved it found me and told me my price was ok. He seemed demeaned and I felt awful. I lost any and all negotiating confidence I might ever have at that moment–and until recently, I still had that whale to remind me of how fortunate my life has always been.)